This emotion of grief is almost unknown to me. As an Empath and a psychic medium it is an emotion I feel and experience from my clients as they are my own on a daily basis. I feel it, the emotion moves through me, I work on shifting it and then let it go, for the most part anyway and get on with the reading for my client.
But the grief I experienced over Christmas and New Year's was a grief that also came with no closure, well not one I could accept at the time. But, in the end, I had to find a way too, otherwise all the emotions would have eaten me alive.
After a bad break up, I decided to get a puppy because as a human we LOVE distractions, and for me it is no exception. The bigger the distraction the better I (me and my ego) feel, and It helps me find a way to cope after coming from yet another relationship that burned down in flames..
Now it should be noted, I can be a bit rebellious, and a bit of a random person… very rare but it happens most when I feel like I've been hurt the most, almost a lashing out but in a big not think about decision. But, anyone that knows me, knows that I have wanted a dog for a very long time. I was lucky to have a dog as young adult up until my late 20`s which took another 15 years or so to even get over when she passed, but after this break up I wanted a dog. BAD…
I had all this love to give, but also I wanted a love in return. Yes I am human (well for the most part) and I have, faults, needs and want`s and yes not always a soul that who makes great grown up decisions. I knew that I wanted something to fill a hole within my soul that, lets face it no tub of Nutella could really fill.
So two weeks after the break up, me and my sister n law drive 45 minutes south to meet this little 1.5 year old pug x, well of course I fell in love and she came home with me..
Was In love? Yup, she was a bundle of pure happiness,
Fast forward a few weeks later and during this time, we had to begin to adjust to each other minus the very bad separation anxiety (for the both of us). She was a smart cookie and had really learnt her commands, sit stay etc., so Christmas Eve I thought I would take her outside without a leash - well because I thought she wouldn't run away from me, she was so good with her commands and plus she loved me so much right? Why would she run away? She would remain by myside as I had taught her.
Well that's exactly what happened, I made a huge mistake, she ran and didn't come back. The following hours I spent in the car looking for her, treats left on our walk paths in case she wanted to find her way back, signs, posters door knocking and a bombardment of social media posts, this went on for weeks, nothing but a sighting two weeks later, she still hadn't come back..
Now, almost two months since she went missing, I did all I could do to cope with this "grief", I cried, resorted to emotionally eating, binged Netflix as if it was never going to be available ever again , stayed up late, slept all day. For me it was a pool of mud, quick sand I was getting deeper and deeper in and could not get out.
As someone who is notoriously hard on herself, this was a huge blow to me as a person and as a human. I felt soo much shame, I still do, and sometimes I feel like it never happened and I just imagined this whole scenario. I battered myself for days on end, I beat myself up so much my heart broke In billions of pieces.
And the two worst things I experienced during this event, first, was that I am person that doesn't let go, I don't let go of shit EVER, I hold onto everything for dear life - one of my many life lessons in this incarnation.
The second thing, I had no idea on closure for this event that for that time, had changed my life.
I have no way of knowing for sure, I had to put my trust into the universe that she had it under control.
As a highly intuitive and consciously aware soul, I have the awareness to know now that everything happened as it should, there was a purpose in what had happened, a bigger picture, and most importantly some ridiculously hard lessons. An event that 2 months later I am still seeing the lessons.
I am still understanding or coming to better terms as the "why" of it all even though I don't agree or completely understand, but why it all had to happen, and yes the gifts of that lesson losing her gives me even till today.
And the lessons, woaaaaaa the lessons, for the record I hate anyone telling me what to do and this includes the universe, but she got my attention, and yes I eventually took notice.
The lessons were knowing what responsibility was and being responsible for someone other than me, what love was, not to assume that a pup will always be at your side, and truly she was a free spirited soul as much as her owner, no one could really keep her locked down or told what to do. She wanted to be free as much as I want to be free here on this earth. And, I had to experience grief, I needed to know what It felt like, I needed to learn from it and the experience. I learnt to open more heart more than it already was, way much more than it was…so much more and I had to experience loving a soul and then losing her.
I won't lie, it hurt like hell, and there are moments now when my heart aches for her. I will every day, in some way, grieve her every single damn day. I look back on that event and seek gratitude, yes gratitude.
After all of this, I now come from a place of love to help heal my heart while also not trying not to bash myself up for the mistakes I made. I found peace within.
I know and when I say I know as an intuitive "I KNOW" she is exactly where she needs to be, probably with a big back yard, a family who adore her and give her all the time in the world, maybe she is even has other 4 legged new siblings to keep her happy and content.
I know that I was a stepping stone to where she needed to go next for the next part of her life. Without going through all that I had in the last couple of months, I wouldn't be where I am now with lately some really ah-mazing things have come in to my life since she left which wouldn't have happened if she was still with me.
With all that and the awareness I have had experienced, I have forgiven myself and her, I have come to terms to letting go from a place of love, not shame or hate. I am day by day moving on, she of course will be etched forever in my heart, always. Our souls came together for those few weeks I had her and she got soo much love in the time I had her that I know she will be okay and so will I..