It has been months since I have been able to write, as I have been in a holding state of isolation, depression, anxiety, and writer's block that has come with that.
Usually, if I am feeling all of the above, all I do is write. But, this time it's different. Isolation or the dire need to be left alone, to be almost a hermit, if I didn't have to uphold a regular nine-to-five kind.
I want to deal very little with the outside world, hiding at times behind social media even for a short space of time before it exhausts me. People`s drama family included, all the life events are just blobs on my subconsciousness, a feeling of numbness.
My holistic business has taken a complete back seat, while almost feeling a sense of pressure to be active or visible.
I would say, I am probably in week six of this state of isolation, where at the beginning of the week I was almost coming back online. Undoubtedly, I am an introvert through and through, and unless it is life stuff that must get done, I am at home, placing myself in a dark cave unsure as to whether I ever want to come out again.
But, I have had setbacks of the emotional kind, which are like a balancing act, a walking tightrope that is my life trying to get from one side to the other. These setbacks for the most part have been triggers, experiences that have brought up unresolved trauma of times as a child when I felt abandoned.
Growing up as a child and a young adult even a grown adult, never fitting in, seeking acceptance, approval, and belonging in a life my soul chose before this incarnation.
A soul, who has been gifted with a few psychic abilities, a black sheep, with a gypsy, always feeling restless. A soul that is very different from her family but still someone her inner child craves to be like at the sacrifice of her own happiness.
A hopeless people pleaser, learning her lessons the hard way but is also able to guide others with her own experiences through her work hasn't completely gone to waste.
With the support of the universe, she is gently trying to show me her light, to follow her so I can move out of my darkness in the hope that I can stand back in my divine light. So I can be the soul she sees me as and the light that is my purpose to share with others.
Watching Jim & Andy Great Beyond - an old documentary on Netflix was one of these flickers of light, more on that soon.
The flickers of light she bestowed before my feet, almost went unnoticed, I almost missed, but I caught them just in time. The nudges, the whispers of guidance I heard whisper past my ears but echo within my heart.
But tonight, I felt her presence, the universe holding me in her embrace and securely within her hold that she holds for every soul that walks this earth.
As a spiritual soul, who adores her astrology, feels the energy surrounding her at all times, psychically in tune with others and the universe. A full Empath that senses the emotions of those around her and the emotions on a global scale.
Ultimately our choice always.
I try and focus the lion of courage is this energy this week - I have a Leo Moon. I fumble, dig deep, and find the courage that many others seem to see within me but struggle to see within myself.
Is letting go completely the answer? Where am I resisting?
Is it more about surrender, than actually letting go? not giving up, just surrendering what we can no longer emotionally carry over to the Universe, spirit, or guides?
I have a little more fight left in this soul but frightened as hell as to what is on the other side of this unknown. A soul as well as a human that likes to know what will happen in life, just like her unique gift of “knowing” with others wants to know for herself, wants to plan, wants to have everything laid out and all the just in cases.
Perspective I repeat to myself, Cee Cee it`s finding perspective, you have it backward again I say to myself.
All the while my ego knows it`s time. The light is slowly diminishing back to sitting in the back seat using it for good not for evil, using it for a drive to move forward and not remain stuck and neither for fear and doubt.
That old age saying “Not why this is happening but what is it teaching me?
Teaching me? well, I am quite good at helping others seek out their lessons from beyond their pain but harder to give myself the same advice.
The Spiritual Journey
Traveling along my own spiritual journey, thinking I already had my own awakening and I have, the last 8 years have been just that. This week and tonight meant my awakening took a new turn, a mini awakening within an already evolving and continuing awakening.
Still in a place of solitude, flicking through Netflix a documentary caught my eye, intrigued I decided to watch it. A little sign the universe guided me too. It was a show called Jim & Andy, with Jim Carrey. As I got further and further into it, I noticed my mood change and my energy shifted.
What I was watching pulled my vibration up, it brought my head back above water, it brought fragments of my soul back online. Watching Carrey on screen I felt while still engrossed in this documentary, came to the awareness of seeing him as pure divine light. My senses recognised the energy, his aura that surrounded him when making that documentary was pure divine light to me. I was still able to feel all of this through a TV screen.
It is beautiful to sense that energy around someone. It was a light that my soul was craving, an olive branch being extended to me from the universe via a movie to come back into my own existence. A moth to the flame my soul was yearning for, a drink of life that I almost at times during the last few weeks was ready to never have again.
I felt all the energy that was carried as Carrey spoke, I felt it in my soul, it gave me the courage to go back to discovering who I am again and not be afraid of who I could become. What I can achieve and what I deserve, not for anyone else but for me only.
I sat transfixed and watched this beautiful soul of light completely let go and embody another soul with acting, a soul that had passed onto his next adventure but his spirit I feel very much surrounded him during the making of the documentary.
I was moved with emotion, but couldn't actually physically move from where I sat on the couch.
There was a scene where Carrey played the congas, the same scene the actor had played in his life.
The room was electric with the energy of the soul that had moved on but what was on that stage was the light that Carrey had brought forward on stage with him for all to see, but more importantly, all to feel. The light from Carrey had lit up the room just as he does on screen in any movie.
I feel Carrey, for the better use of the word, channeled the spirit of Andy Kaufman and brought that forward in the movie with the utmost respect for Andy. He brought healing, healing for Carrey himself, healing to the soul that had passed and remembered in such a beautiful way.
Carrey allowed himself to be a channel to bring healing to those who knew or were related to Andy, what a beautiful gift. There, in this movie, it embodied so many hidden messages. Just like the universe for souls like me, I am given messages this way, a movie of all things. However not as strange to me, because the universe knows that I`ll just get it. It is just one of the ways the greater spirit of the universe jumps timelines and dimensions to connect with me.
Finding Our Light
Carrey had completely lost himself in this role but in a most unique and beautiful way. He had faith, he trusted himself completely while knowing he was and always supported by the universe. He was at one with the universe, he lived his truths while courageously fighting his own demons.
His triggers had presented themselves to him but lovingly accepted his shadow self gave it all the light and love he could muster, and brought it together as one within him in this role.
Carrey courageously and fearlessly manifested the life he has up until now. I really admire him for that. I do intuitively believe, he is manifesting a new purpose he is walking towards and will always do so.
He intuitively designed his own manifestations, he believed in them wholeheartedly while having the courage to let it go, be in the moment, and trust it all to the universe as she knows what's best.
Final Thoughts
Sometimes, we lose our own light, it's through the darkness that it can be found again. It is a constant battle to make peace with darkness and love it as much as our light. Many of us don't seek to be the brightest in the room, as shining our light has rarely anything to do with anyone else. It is so we can always find our way back to ourselves.
Undoing all I know, who I was, will require courage over the next few weeks. Constant work to keep that spark alight when it is easier to let it go out and be in darkness where it feels safer.
Finding perspective in life when there is darkness, is this part of a spiritual awakening, that can feel the most confronting but gives us the gift of expansion. A personal enlightenment, a journey of discovery of our soul.
There are going to be times when that darkness returns to come back and attempt to overtake us but if we can have the awareness of keeping our challenges in perspective and grow from our lessons, the steps forward won't be so overwhelming