Updated: Jun 7
Can an old soul find Love after a spiritual awakening?
The path of an old soul is a lonely one at time, writing this story, I stare at my blank screen, wondering what I should even write when I have thousands of words swimming in my mind but I am numb and I can't speak, writing only seems to be my saving grace and my crux.
The path of ascension since my awakening 8 years ago, has at times been a lonely road. Other times, tribes have gathered nearby, only to disperse again later and I find myself walking along on my own.
My thoughts are like knives that keep stabbing at my soul. My heart in an unhappy depressed state of existence is back and with a firm hold like a noose around my neck.
The world is in a state of ascension to the 5th dimension energetically, not physically. It has brought the world into depression and anxiety. Many souls feeling of just off. Our innermost selves are asking, not demanding for us to come forward and let go of our emotional sandbags of baggage.
My luggage is eons old. Lifetimes old, so many incarnations, so many limiting beliefs, so many goddamn fears, so many wants, and needs that are yet to be filled.
I can't write, yet I want to write as I know it's therapy and it will help me feel better. But even this simple act feels like it's splitting me in two. Trigger points that are surfacing and a feeling of loneliness, destitute heartache of a soul that wants so much love, that needs so much love, and a heart that freely gives that too.
Last nite I cried myself to sleep, that hasn't happened for a long time but my puffy swollen eyes tell another story that only makeup can cover.. just.
I just want to be enough for someone, enough for someone to wait until I`m ready to give my body to, be someone's number one. Someone worthy of love and worthy of my love. I am a romantic, I am also nothing short at times...dramatic.
My heart yearns for a relationship and a connection that my soul has only experienced in another life. I don't want to compromise, I just can't. Because like any human I want it all, but how long until I cave and just go back to giving up and giving in because it is easier not to be alone?
Why has my life turned out like this? Why has my life been so different from everyone else I know? Why did I choose this life?
Why do people give up so easily on me? I won't cave and bend my values or self-worth. All I seek is some respect and honor for who I am and what I bring to the table and to this life.
What happened to the Honor of our beings? of our souls? Where has it gone?
I struggle with being me anymore, I don't know how to do that. that was me last night tears streaming down my face, lungs unable to even breathe, who I am is no longer enough. And why isn't it..?
Being nice gets you nowhere, being kind-hearted and supportive of everyone else also gets you nowhere. Don't you know people like us, who are this way, deeply seek this in return? For the most part, it is because we are either shy or have some pride and past hurts from even speaking up we were condemned, it is not easy for us to tell you we need this too. We just want you to see beyond the hard shell we put around us and our hearts.
We don`t let our cracks show, yet I am there when others crack. I'm tired.
As a healer, I am tired, of this cross to carry to save everyone else besides herself and then being told “to look after you”.. it is just not that easy. I wasn't built for that, and neither was my heart. My soul has a purpose, and my life, the reason why I am here has a purpose to help others.
How Do I Even Begin To Change That?
Maybe that's the problem, taking the self-sacrificing way too far. What other choice do I have when anyone barely notices that I exist? and the only way to exist is in a 3D way? That's where my life is or those who are around me exist and I have to put on a facade and act like I am like everyone else, when I am not.
When my soul-being resides between this dimension and the higher dimensions that of the 5th and sometimes I know for sure even higher, it makes surviving as a 3D like I am in quicksand. I feel like I am being suffocated by everything around me even the air I breathe.
I want to be seen, but I also love to hide and not let my real self show. I wonder what the point is when we live in a world of being completely and utterly misunderstood. Probably because of the many faces we have to keep presenting to others while we slowly die inside.
I love too hard and too much only because I crave it soo much for myself and those on you must love yourself train. Kindly F** off its not about how much I need to love myself.
We do love ourselves but no one LOVES as we do or gives us the same love in return.. how can we? We are in a society to replace human emotions with physical objects, houses, jobs, empty careers, having children, fake marriages, expectations, inflated egos, and things that we “think” will make us happy.
The void is still there. The emptiness is still there only numbed when I can find ways to ignore it, suppress it,, or replace it with something superficial to make me feel better on the surface. Temporarily of course and I am so aware of it.
Yet I just don't know how to heal it, because I can`t find anything to fill myself with, nothing helps, nothing fills this dead empty void within my soul.
I have no idea what I want or need, except knowing that I am reminded of my emptiness deep within. How do I drop others' expectations to know what are mine? who will I be if that even happens? someone I probably won't even know.
We are never broken, just a bit damaged, a bit battered and bruised. As souls walk around with shells of who we really are, who really gets to see us? no one, we can barely get to see our real selves either as a society probably wouldn't accept that either and they say what you give is what you get.
How is that even true, I give so much but I get barely anything in return. Maybe I find it hard to accept it when it does happen because of how much I give out. That limiting belief that I have, that even accepting someone's help is hard.
Please know when it does come, know that I appreciate it. Accepting it all is where I come unstuck. The times when people let me fall when I thought they would catch me. Be there for me, maybe its the disappointment that continues to haunt me and hold me back.
I am not damaged that I need fixing or repairing. I just need you here to walk beside me. That`s all that I think we are really asking for, all I am asking for.
Walk beside us, not against us, and see me with your heart what we are scared to ask for.