Updated: Jun 7
Where do we put our faith or is trusting the universe that is outside of us, a Myth?
I have been feeling off these past few months. Everything around me seems to be crumbling or I am faced with roadblocks that have led to feeling frustrated.
This frustration has caused me to question my spirituality, and my outlook on life, people, and the world in general. The latter is nothing unusual, however, the spiritual outlook on life even though my awakening was eight years ago is making me feel uncomfortable and helpless. I see the world going in its dismay and I feel claustrophobic with another institution that feels like they have the authority to tell me what they think is best for me or what I should do.
Did I mention I don't like being told what to do?...(that is the Virgo rising in me).
I have felt as if the universe has it in for me. Constantly blocking me from moving forward, pushing me to surrender and be patient. Surrendering to the unknown I already have an issue with, I don't resign unless I have pushed myself to exhaustion or can find no way out. And that happens very rarely.
I don't give up, I may get tired and weary, but giving up is not who I am and I am stubborn. No patience of course comes from me not waiting around for other people. I go forth and leave a trail of destruction behind me, sometimes. I usually see that there is a quicker way to do things. I get bored quickly. Very quickly. Unless I am passionate about said thing the shiny new feeling wears off
I am internally screaming on a daily basis, giving into my vices and distractions, hoping the pain I feel as an Empath for humanity and myself would please disappear for a few days. Knowing that "this too shall pass" is already hurting my soul because I wonder how much I have to go through and that we don't need another inspirational quote.
Why do I feel so invisible lately?
Feeling so disillusioned that I googled "not trusting the universe" and I located 2 sources that discussed the topic. Not surprising when everyone in the spiritual community talks about trusting in the unseen and trusting the universe. Goodness, even in my earlier blogs I spoke about this too.
But in my defense, I wrote them when everything in my life was going right.
The problem is we are not talking about trusting the universe when our lives are going to crap, we are faced with roadblocks, circumstances that are out of our control, or anything that is questioning our existence and our sanity or lack of it.
How do we trust an invisible force that is outside of us, when many of us like me hardly trust ourselves and those we put trust in only betrayed us?
After reading those two other blogs, they both brought me back to the same question. Trusting outside of myself is unachievable right now, so why am I forcing myself to do this? if it only brings me more anxiety?
These two sources had some good points that I agreed with.
Trusting ourselves usually comes from when we placed our trust in an outside person, usually, the caregiver that raised us, and the lack of nurturing themself and feeling powerless was imprinted in our subconscious. This resulted in the way we could feel today. A trauma left its imprint.
Trusting the universe is open to interpretation - how much or where or what aspect or area do you trust the universe.
I know from my own experiences and what I have learned as an energy healer that trauma unless healed remains in the body. And that trauma can be passed down through birth from generations ago.
I have recently started studying my Human Design. In particular one of my gates is 63 - Gate of Doubt. This doubts suspicion and proof. It is a gate embedded with a lot of logic. This is why growing up I did not align with the institution of religion and churches. It makes a lot of sense now.
Where in my life am I demanding proof of the universe's power and existence or am I choosing not to see it and that it is here already all around me? In answer to that, everywhere, and when everything goes right.
This is not about gratitude. It is about why we ask for assistance and guidance it falls on deaf ears. Is it because it's all about divine timing, and patience? Waiting for the alignment of my life to come back into the fold, or that there is yet another lesson in patience.
I get signs sure, symbolism, and the numerology 333, 222, 444, 888, etc but in all honestly, that is great that it's all going to happen "at the right time" but as I keep repeating to the universe...
" How do I find faith when this silence when it doesn't help me pay my bills or pay my mortgage".
I am already working full-time, I lost my full-time income in January because of the pandemic. I started my spiritual entrepreneur side hustle back in February. In July I had to go back to work to pay the bills, which is making me miserable because I am not free to do what I love.
Will I have to sell my car at the end of the month to pay my mortgage? my apartment is already up for sale because living in one of the most expensive cities in the world has made it impossible to maintain.
And other questions such as: if I am here to serve and assist others as a healer, why is it that my calendar remains unbooked?
Followed by: why am I here, is helping others no longer my purpose? have I got it all wrong?, even though I have received praise from clients in the past that I did have? why am I wasting energy on something that I can't see being returned in an exchange of energy?
Lastly: Why are many of us still struggling, why are many souls suffering when we are being asked to have faith when our hearts are hurting?
I know, this is the divine plan, what humanity needs as a collective before the world shifts.
What about right now? So many questions.
Is it our questioning that plants the seeds of our trust?
Or is the issue of trust like baking a loaf of bread? mixing all the ingredients, following the steps of the recipe such as proofing the dough, placing it in the oven hoping we did everything right and it turns out as we hoped?
Like the bread of a loaf that flattens when it is taken out of the oven to early, is the same result that our faith is in the universe, in humanity, and in ourselves. The air out of the bread slowly evaporates just as our faith leaks out of holes that we tried in the past to patch up.
Many of us are not emotionally or spiritually equipped to do a 180 and trust something outside of ourselves, wrapped in fake beliefs, convincing ourselves before bed that tomorrow will be a better day or that the universe will always provide.
We are still evolving and still learning how to be adults, navigating life one day at a time while our delicate future if we "don't act now" narrative to save the world is a guilt trip. We are not always going to get our life right. Our decisions will be either the right ones or they are the lessons we need to take the next step.
I am here to remind you, you don't have to believe in anything or anyone that you don't want to or that does not resonate with you. And why should you?
What we need to teach and show others by example is that there is trust in ourselves. And that is a learned action when our life goes haywire. We are to remove the illusion that everything is okay. For many of us, it's not, but a collective gaslighting into fake ideology. The world is not okay either. There is a lot to happen before we shift to the other side of this dis-illusion.
We are all doing our best, but sometimes we don't know what that is. Other times we can wing it and it works out. In other instances, the floor falls away from under our feet. It's not from the lack of trust. It is from placing our innate energy, our essence of who we really are into something that is outside of ourselves. And, when the reason it was done initially acts as a bandaid or a belief that we aligned with to make us feel better, temporarily.
Faith in ourselves has to be learned, we have to place it in ourselves first before we put it in or on something outside of us. And I don't believe we need to waste time repairing generations of trauma either. We have enough to heal from this incarnation.
We want our truth to find us in the now and I believe faith will be gained when we discover that. If something doesn't feel true or if someone tells you something that doesn't sound true to your soul, it could even be this story, then wait for the truth to come from you and I guide you to keep questioning everything.
Questions lead to answers, answers lead to truth and it is my opinion that is how our faith will be constructed. It has to come from somewhere and it will be different for everyone. And it is also how our faith can disappear when we don't ask questions. We just nod our heads and agree.
It might be okay for some, but not for me.
It is what I discover about myself through my experiences and my lessons that will teach me that my faith will come from my heart and soul and that it is unique to me.
There is magic in logic, I am learning to use that magic with discernment and use it after I have checked in with myself and asked questions that only I know the answer feels right within.
If we can take small steps in trusting ourselves and knowing what is right for us, we can show others that it can be done. It will always come down to who or what we trust.
Be okay as a separate force of your own divinity. The universe will go on as it should, as it is intended, to follow its own path. It is when we get lost trying to follow someones else`s passage that is where we allow ourselves to get lost in the ocean of another`s unconsciousness.